30 Sep Waiting in Hope
Waiting is hard.
We’ve been waiting for a child to join our family for more than 3 years now, and I’m not sure it ever gets any easier, even this close to the end. After years of infertility, mounds of adoption paperwork, and months of waiting to be matched with an expectant mother, you’d think I’d eventually get used to hope deferred… But there is no “getting used to” this aching longing for motherhood in my heart.
It still stings, in spite of the fact that I write this from our lanai in Honolulu waiting for a phone call that our precious daughter has been born. We are so close to the finish line, but my emotions are in turmoil. I am in a season of great hope, and of great mourning.
Waiting is hard.
Yesterday I attended a doctor’s appointment with the sweet expectant mama that has chosen Robert and I to be parents to her child. As her baby girl kicked and turned inside of her, she let me place a hand on her belly to feel the movements… My heart broke in that instant, facing (again) the reality that I will never feel any tiny ninja kicks from the inside. I will never know what it feels like to grow another life within me.
But my heart also breaks because it overflows with gratitude for the woman whose brave and selfless decision will make me a mother. I can’t even begin to imagine how she must be feeling, or how difficult the waiting has to be for her too. I still cannot believe that she chose us… She chose me. And I will spend the rest of my days attempting to be worthy of that great honor.
Waiting is so, so hard… Maybe even harder this close to the end. But I will breathe in every moment, and make the most of every minute of waiting. I will visit waterfalls, and search for sea turtles, and swim in the ocean, even though my heart longs for nothing more than to be back home in Tennessee with our sweet baby resting in my arms.
And in the end, all the waiting will have been worth it.